It’s a gloomy Thursday and because there’s no school today Sadie is keeping me from doing serious work done – well, that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it! Haha! The rain always makes me a little sad but on second thought, I’ve been feeling the blues for about a week now. I can’t quite put my finger on it but it seems like I’m longing for something, for someone. Drama on a stormy day. Okay, I’ll go right on and admit it –I’ve been missing my Chingan.
I never thought I’d go through this phase this early – I feel like a 50-year-old mother craving attention from her daughter. You see, my Chingan turned 18 in May and since then, well, she sorta took “coming of age” too seriously and decided it’s no longer cool to hang out with Sadie, me and the fam bam.
If she gets hold of this she’s gonna kill me and our ties will be severed for good. Exaggerating, I am, I know. But there’s a ring of truth to it. She hates drama – she got it from me. But now I’m turning into a major drama queen and I’m doomed.
So, yes, I miss her. I miss spending Saturdays with her and Sadie at the mall. I miss pigging out with her without worrying that we might put on the pounds. I miss her laughter – genuine, heartfelt laughter that has nothing to do with the guy she fancies. I miss seeing her dote on Sadie. I miss the sight of them nonchalantly chasing each other around the mall.
The ‘change’ didn’t really happen overnight. It manifested gradually or perhaps, I was just trying hard to ignore it at the onset. You know, deadma lang. You see when she entered college she has become a little distant and “cold”. Of course, she wasn’t flat out ignoring me or giving me the cold shoulder, she’s just, I dunno, oddly detached, which is so unlike her.
At first I thought it was just because her father, my kuya, is home and she must have missed him so much that she’s opting to spend time with him and their family. I get it – it’s natural. It’s just not how it used to be. For years, she would pick staying with me in Manila even when her mom would ask her to come with her to Bulacan.
I guess what saddens me is that I’m no longer her priority. And what breaks my heart is, this sudden change breaks Sadie’s heart more than it does mine.
Whenever Sadie would tell me, “Mommy, I miss Ate so much,” I had to bite my tongue and feign nonchalance. Inside, I’m like, “I miss her, too, terribly.”
I dunno if things would go back to how they were when Kurips goes back abroad. Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn’t.
In the meantime, my heart is aching. This is one mommy heartbreak I was never prepared to go through.
What would happen if she walks down the aisle?
I miss you, my Chingan.